Sometimes you find out exactly where you are meant to be when you aren’t really looking….
By Ashley Mott
It was the moment that you looked at me with so much concern and affection in your eyes that I knew I would be safe, even when I was terrified. My body is riddled with scars criss crossing their way up and down. Yet, even as I looked up at you with scared eyes, I found only warmth and a sense of peace.
The water beat down on my back, the droplets that were once scalding were now cool compared to the temperature that my skin had become. You held me and told me it would be okay, you made me feel safe. You knew that I was scared; that I wanted to hide as much as I wanted to be there, so you made it easier for me to be open and honest.
At first, though I knew what I wanted, I was afraid that you wouldn’t find me beautiful. That I would shed the layers of clothing and instead of love in your eyes I would find disgust. However, that wasn’t what occurred. You wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me close. You tipped my head back with just a finger and left a lingering kiss upon my lips. You made me feel safe again.
I wasn’t afraid anymore, even though I was still worried that you may not like what you saw. I wasn’t afraid because I knew that I was beautiful after all. Now, I know it isn’t like me to look to men for validation of my beauty. However, I believe that this occurrence is a side effect of everything that I have been through. There is such a thing called being broken, and for the longest time I was, even though I didn’t realize it.
I left, that is always what I say, so I shouldn’t be hurt and I shouldn’t be upset. But that’s the thing, when you leave everyone says you don’t get to grieve because you knew it was coming. However, that doesn’t mean it was any easier, that doesn’t mean that the preparation helped. If anything it mean tI needed to grieve more because I couldn’t grieve in anger. I had to grieve in sadness, in the loss of what once was. Because I spent much of my time trying not to hurt him I never let myself properly let go, and only ended up being wounded instead.
You could see I was wounded, it was there on my face plain as day. Yet, you didn’t let it bother you. You simply pulled me close and laid my head to rest on your chest to listen to your heartbeat. You understood what I needed even when I was too afraid to speak. You saw that I was broken and understood. You saw what I needed and made it so that I could be free.
You weren’t planned, hell I wasn’t even out looking for anything real. Yet, I found you and you have enchanted me. My heart is mending and soon it’ll be yours. You may not know it yet, and maybe neither do I, but I have a feeling that this is meant to be.