There are somethings in this world that you stumble upon and are immediately grateful for. There are others where you reach the top of a hill, expecting a beautiful sunrise only to find fire and brimstone. Both of these images constantly fighting for control of your outlook on life.
For me everything is calculated, rationalized down to the last mathematical equation. Do this and here is your outcome, like putting different shaped blocks into the correct hole. Star in the star, circle in the circle hole, square through another square. Though sometimes I mess up, and the star ends up stuck in the circle.
This is the way my mind works. Trying to rationalize the emotions I feel, because if I don’t I may very well combust on the spot. It takes a team of people around me to help me navigate the world I live in.
Someone to hold me when I cry, a person to lift me up and push me to succeed, and someone to help me talk through it all.
They cannot be the same person, because my cross is mine to bear and not one mind can know the whole truth, because the mind is much too fragile to bear it. Even sometimes I think my mind may crumble. But I take heed in the knowledge that God is the strength that keeps my feet walking through the day that scorches down on me.
I embrace the fact that when I am given more than I can handle, I can kneel and pray.
I pray to the Heavens above, asking God why is there so much in my life that I feel like I can’t handle.
I don’t always get an answer back, but when I do it gives me the strength to keep pushing on.
While I can never fully rationalize the synapses that cause the brain to register neurological patterns signaling the effect of an emotion, I take comfort in the idea that He already knows my needs and will help me through it all.
The drowning sorrow that I experience from time to time is never one that I like to talk about, because it today’s society those who are supposed to help you just want to give you a magic pill that stops only some of the symptoms.
There is no category for what I am feeling in a psychology book, it cannot be reduced to numbers and facts, believe me I have tried.
It is because of this learning path that I have been on, that I have come back to God after straying from his path for so long.
Many will not take comfort in his words, or in my personal foundation of how I exist without crumbling to the ground. But for those who will, I have a lone piece of advice that has helped me through my struggles.
Have a little faith.